The Girl Who Should Have Been Here

Sometimes I wonder what the outcome would have been if Allana had passed the university cut-off score.

The funny thing is, I knew Allana’s name before I even knew her face. During the pandemic our batch was split into two separate groups, so we didn’t actually see everyone in person. I was classmates with AJ, and his friends were never subtle about teasing him whenever Allana’s name came up. I heard her name so often that by the time I finally saw her, she already felt like someone everyone knew.

Allana has been my classmate since 10th grade. She’s gorgeous, with a beautiful facial structure and the kind of voice people stop talking to listen to. She sings like an angel, plays volleyball, and even knows taekwondo. She can be boyish and playful one moment, then effortlessly feminine the next. In short, she’s what people would call the total package.

But what impressed me most about her was how smart she was. Allana could explain mathematics so simply that it felt like a child learning how to spell “apple.” She had that rare ability to make complicated things feel easy.

So when the university results came out, I was surprised.

She didn’t pass the cut-off score.

But I did.

Me.

An average student who only managed to get honors at graduation.

Now I sit in lecture halls surrounded by top students from different regions. They’re brilliant, confident, and intimidating in ways I can’t fully explain. And sometimes, while listening to professors talk about difficult subjects, my mind drifts to a strange thought:

What if Allana were here instead of me?

She would probably be admired by everyone. Some students would envy her, others would want to be her friend. Either way, it would be impossible not to notice her. She has that kind of presence — the kind that fills a room without trying.

I imagine her acing classes like biochemistry and anatomy, impressing professors with how quickly she understands things. I imagine the compliments she would receive, the recognition from faculty, the quiet admiration from classmates.

She would probably be everyone’s crush, too.

But Allana isn’t here.

I am.

And sometimes I don’t know which is worse: the thought that she should have been here… or the quiet fear that maybe I don’t belong here at all.

-Jane